After a couple weeks of a break, I am here. There was a lot of stuff that was happening in my life that I wanted to take care of before I sat back and started writing on this blog again. But, after a small break, I wanted to share some things that I've experienced recently that really hit me.
The last time I wrote on the blog was during a period of division in this country and a lot of malevolent behavior. Arguments, fights, name-calling, and disruption reaped this nation, and I was appalled. I was upset with the way people were acting and I spoke up about it on this blog.
I hate bringing up politics. This is because I have stepped away from politics due to the toxicity that boils from it. Too much hate, corruption, and unfairness across the board. It's important to have your own unique opinions, but as for me, I have been a much happier human being ever since I stopped paying attention to politics.
On a side note, last week there was a big health scare in my family which sent me into a sort of shock. This was the second big health scare within a year and it rattled me (probably because I was the one that was on the phone with the ambulance for the third time within a year). That feeling of terror when you see a family member unconscious and not responding is something I loathe with a passion. After last week's mishap at home, I actually felt angry. I felt angry at the situation and at God for consistently putting me in a situation three times that I had to deal with seeing my family members in an unresponsive state and dialing 911.
Even this blog post is making me angry. Three times within a year and I am sick of it. But, I am the last person to ever want sympathy so I just didn't talk about it.
So, days after the incident I had to pack up to return to my college for swimming. With the unsteadiness of the pandemic at hand, there are still doubts that the season would even happen. But, I still moved all of my belongings back into my room and have been quarantining here for about 4 days now.
I arrived at school on Monday and today is Friday- and today is the first day that I am starting to kind of go a bit stir-crazy.
I am such a go-er and a people-person. This quarantine lifestyle has allowed me to see that I am not one for a desk job or a job that I keep "to myself". I know that with my life, even if the pay is low, I need a job that I am constantly with people, talking, engaging, and from place to place. When I lifeguard in the summer, being a manager to a group of lifeguards and talking with patrons, I am in my happy place. When I am sitting behind my own desk crunching numbers, I am at my worst. I start feeling an internal depression that could only be medicated if I talk with other people.
I am sitting here at my desk in my fourth full day of quarantine thinking to myself that for the longest time I had my priorities wrong. I have set such a high standard for my life and what I had to do to make more money. I've pursued career options just for the money (because internally I thought money equalled happiness) and I have been more focused on "the grind" than I was interacting with my peers around me. Which, interacting with my peers and my family are what causes me happiness in the first place.
I sacrificed my true happiness with money, and what I needed to do in my life to obtain my financial freedom. I claimed to be Christian but really, all along, I wasn't chasing God. I was chasing money and a lifestyle I thought would make me happy. Big cars, big house, luxury lifestyle.
Now you reading this might think, "Tyler, you're 21 years old and in college. What do you mean you've been chasing money? That's the point of being in college!"
Now while that is true, I was just using my free time to try to research money and applying to hundreds of internships I knew I wasn't going to get because I internally thought that-if I were to get those internships, I would be happy. Wrong. I know myself and, looking at it from a different perspective, even if I were to get that high-posh fancy internship that paid a lot of money, I would still have been looking for something more. More and more and more and nothing would ever fulfill me.
Until recently, I laid down in my bed one night and I was praying to God after a long day. I was at a loss for words with all my frustrations and disappointments. I said "God, can you lead the way. I am done thinking so hard with what I want to do with my life. But it isn't my life-it's yours, God. Direct me where you want me to go."
Immediately after saying that prayer, though, I felt a sense of enlightenment. I felt almost a burden off of my shoulders. I still had zero idea what I wanted to do with my life, but, I had this idea that I needed to do something that I was "good" at, and not chase the job that paid the most.
Over the next few days after saying that prayer, I kept myself from researching jobs and kind of let the idea of jobs come to me. What was I good at? What job gave me joy? What job gave me peace and where did I think God wanted me to go? What gifts did he give me that I could use in a future career?
But over a week and a half, I am still waiting. I have some ideas, but I am still waiting. I'll probably wait for a long while, too. I feel like all motivational speakers are always stressing the fact that "you need to go out and chase your dreams" and "if you don't go out and grind every second then you won't achieve the things you want in life". And as much as that might be true, you would have to have that dream first. You would have to know exactly what you want in your life for that to be the case.
Because if you're lost with what you want to do in life, what are you chasing? You'll chase the wrong things. You'll chase the wrong things like money, luxury lifestyle, or what your friends are doing and NOT what you truly want to do. If you do not have dreams of your life yet, it is okay.
If anything, lately, I am just more-than-ever excited just to see my friends again. Have human interactions again throughout my day. Talk to my family. As I sit in the four corners of the my room for the fourth day in a row, I couldn't care less about the money I could be making. I want to live a happy life that I wouldn't be confined to the four walls of an office or a room making money staring at a laptop (I am not ever trying to insult anybody that works from home on a computer or has a desk job; I am just stating that for my personality, it isn't for me). I want to live a life that I am happy and enjoying every second life has to offer. I want to be laughing and dancing around the kitchen with my wife, and having barbecues with my friends and family. I want to go on road trips and be singing along to music with my loved ones. I want to be happy. Internally happy. I am done with the feeling of wanting more. I hate that feeling, and I know the only person that could relinquish that feeling is God.
And I think the COVID lifestyle is just kind of catching up to me. This whole "new normal" and masks and social distancing and virtual talking is just really weighing me down after all of these months. I have been positive, and I am still trying to remain positive, but I am just ready for this all to be done (as I am sure you that is reading this are too!)
But, if you are ever feel like you are lost and have no direction, feeling lonely, upset at life, or just really have no idea about what's next, I am with you. Say a prayer to God. Whether you are religious or not, one prayer to God can help. Just try it. God always listens, whether you think He does or not.
My girlfriend always says, "Tyler, it always seems like you have it all together and you are so ahead of me with everything." And I always look at her confused because I really have no idea about what my life will entail, and quite honestly, I feel like I am so behind in everything. I watch TikTok and I see all of these 20 year old entrepreneurs making $100,000/yr from their online businesses and I feel like I am nothing when I see that.
But, I am something. I am God's. And at the end of the day, their business, their money, their material goods will stay artificial. Because when you die, those material things have no value AT all.
God can and will help you through any situation you need. You are never alone. And if you feel alone, I promise that if you say a prayer to Him- your mindset will improve.
Sorry that this post wasn't a "GET OUT OF BED AND PURSUE YOUR DREAMS" kind of theme. This was more of a down-to-Earth one, but they are both needed in their own ways.
I wish you all the best and hope everyone has an outstanding Friday.
God Bless,
-TJO
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